Wednesday, April 9, 2014

A Random Act of Kindness

I have been having a rough time lately. I’ve been trying to ignore it and deny it for weeks, but unfortunately I don’t think it can be denied any longer: my RA is officially flaring. During pregnancy.

Fingers. Wrists. Elbows. Shoulders. Neck. Hips. Knees. Ankles. Toes. All are swollen and stiff and painful to move or touch or use. I have also been waking up with the most intense morning stiffness I have ever experienced - it feels like I have been run over with a steamroller in the night. And the fatigue is beyond soul crushing.

I have to admit that I am scared. I’m scared because there aren't very many pregnancy-safe options to help me deal with all this pain. I’m scared because I am barely halfway through this pregnancy and I’m honestly not sure how I will survive the second half. But I am also terrified that once I do manage to make it to the end of this pregnancy I am going to be in no fit shape to take care of two little boys.

This morning was particularly rough. It took a massive amount of resolve to haul my steamroller-crushed body out of bed, and then OZL woke up and screamed for more than 30 minutes straight and there was nothing I could do to console him. (I think he might be working on his two-year molars...gah the timing!). And, despite being well into my second trimester, I am still dealing with intense morning sickness and soon found myself gagging over the kitchen sink yet again (after which OZL announced "bless you, mommy!" so at least he is a polite little grump!). After surviving all this I looked at the clock. It was not even 8:30 a.m.

Unsure how we were going to survive through the day, I loaded OZL into the car. I figured I would drive through Starbucks and get myself a latte to help me feel more human - and then I would see about finding some trucks or construction to distract my grumpy toddler. So I ordered my latte, but when I pulled up to the window to pay the barista informed me that the person in the car in front of me had already payed for my order.

I honestly do not know how to thank that person enough. Living through this difficult pregnancy and dealing with this arthritis flare at the same time has left me feeling so very, very alone. Although this person was a stranger who knew nothing about me, somehow this random act of kindness made me feel a little less isolated. I drove to the closest construction site and enjoyed my treat while OZL and I watched the heavy equipment roll by. And it was absolutely the best both of us have felt in a while - which gave me hope for getting through the day.

That person will never know just how much they did for me today, but hopefully someday I will be able to pay it forward to someone else.

No comments: