Saturday, December 5, 2009

Today I'm Choosing Fat Face Over Failing Out of Law School

Having RA is all about making compromises. You have to compromise on which drugs to take and which side effects to accept. You have to compromise on which activities to do and which to let go with your limited supply of energy. You have to compromise about which pain to suffer and which pain to address with more drugs.

Lately I have really been trying to focus on loving my body and being grateful for everything it can do for me (rather than being upset about everything it can't.) However, though this tactic keeps me in a better mood, it really hasn't done much to stop the pain in my hips or wrist. And, unfortunately one of the things on the "can't" list right now is studying. My hips hurt when I try to sit at a desk for more than a few minutes and my wrist hurts when I type or use the mouse. And with TWO law exams coming up next week, I really don't have the option to not study right now. I need to study. And, while vicodin is useful for at least taking some of the edge of the pain, perhaps not surprisingly it isn't that useful for focusing on the details of energy law and regulation. And I don't suppose I can write on my exam "Sorry professor - I tried to understand this part but the vicodin made me a bit loopy."

So this morning I made the yucky compromise of upping my dose of prednisone. My rheumatologist allows me to do this on my own to deal with "flares." I have a love-hate relationship with prednisone. I love that it really does help with the pain and allow me to get back to my life and enjoy things - or in this case at least force myself to sit in the law library all day. But I hate hate hate the side effects - particularly the weight gain. I have enough trouble trying to love my body without being fat on top of everything else.

But, there are only five days between me and two finals, but I have only managed to finish one outline. The second has barely been started. So I have to do something and I don't know what else to do. Since I don't really like any of the available options, I have to compromise. So I'm choosing fat face over failing out of law school. Because RA is all about compromise. And I'll be smiling when I get that JD, no matter how fat my face is.

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