Sunday, May 16, 2010

Productively Unproductive

I am writing this post under the shade of an enormous oak tree on the back patio in Groveland. I don’t have any internet here (which honestly is probably a good thing in terms of relaxing, to be disconnected) so I will post this next time I have internet. The sun is shining, a soft breeze is blowing, and I’ve been walking through the tall grass and thinking (or at least trying to think and, rather unfortunately, trying to walk). I decided I wanted to write this post now. This blog has become an outlet for me, and sometimes I just get in the mood to write!

This time the desire to write probably has something to do with me feeling a bit useless right now. Everyone else is working on projects. APL’s mom is mowing the tall grass that has grown in the orchards so that she can access all her baby fruit trees to take care of them. APL’s father and APL’s brother and his brother’s girlfriend are literally starting to build the barn – the final part of the foundation was just poured yesterday and they are starting to build the frame as I type this.

Even APL, though he is not here right now, is being productive. He flew back to Boulder yesterday to do a contract job today and start his brand new job on Monday. He is being so responsible and paying all the bills and taking care of me even when we’re apart. And everyone here is taking care of me too, because at least some of the motivation behind the work they are doing now is to get the Groveland property ready for our wedding next May. Which is probably part of the reason I feel so frustrated that I am sitting on the back porch, drinking a soda in the shade, and not helping at all.

But, in a way, I guess I’m working on my own project: resting. I know it sounds silly, but resting is actually a challenge for me. Especially when I want to help. It always seems like there should be something I could do to help. However, the other problem is that I’m not very good at limiting myself. Ok, ok. I’m really bad at limiting myself. In fact, last time I was here in Groveland I worked myself way too hard and my body really paid for it afterwards. I even knew at the time that I was working too hard and I still couldn’t stop myself. So this time I’m simply not working at all. I’ve helped clear the table and washed the dishes a few times, but other than that my project is resting. Sitting still. Giving my poor body a break.

Unfortunately, it isn’t yet having the desired result. To be perfectly honest, I’m actually feeling worse right now physically than I was during finals or during the semester. I think it’s probably because I had adrenaline and anxiety to keep me going during finals and, for that matter, over the course of the semester. But now I’ve completely crashed. Literally every joint in my body aches. My toes. Ankles. Hips. Shoulders. Wrists. Fingers. Elbows. Knees especially. And every muscle connected to those joints is sore, which is pretty much every muscle. And I’ve got a headache and no energy whatsoever. 

But I’m trying to be patient with my body. I know I did a lot of damage to it over the semester. And over the last two years for that matter. I haven’t exactly been taking it easy since I got diagnosed with RA, seeing as I’ve also been in law school and law school takes a toll on healthy people!! I know it will take me some time to recover to “feeling good” and I’ve got to try to be patient. But it really isn’t easy.

For now I’m just trying to enjoy relaxing, in this moment, regardless of how my body feels. I’m sitting under a beautiful tree, with a beautiful blue sky, in this beautiful place. I’ve got a view of the barn site (so I can see all the action!) and River is sleeping in the shade behind my chair. And I am surrounded by my soon-to-be family members who all love me and are all helping take care of me. Really they are already my family.

My body may have some issues, but I am actually very lucky.

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