Monday, October 25, 2010


I feel like an oxymoron. (Or maybe just a moron?)

I've been having really bad pain in my legs for a few weeks - my knees and feet have been giving me a lot of trouble, and so the muscles in between feel like they are made of fire all the time. It hurts to stand. It hurts to sit. It hurts to be. APL and I are also dealing with some pretty serious financial issues. And I'm so over being a student, but I still have homework to do every day. I'm stressed out and more exhausted than I think I've ever been in my life.

But, despite my exhaustion, it takes me hours to fall asleep every single night. I guess this part makes some sense - exhaustion doesn't necessarily lead to sleep (though that feels like an oxymoron all by itself!) Every night I take medicine and vitamins specifically to help me sleep. I light a scented candle, turn on my humidifier, and relax before trying to fall asleep. It still takes hours to get to sleep.

But then, even though I can't fall asleep, apparently I can't wake up either!! Lately it has been taking me literally hours to haul myself out of bed in the morning (or afternoon, as the case may be.) Sometimes I can't make myself wake up, so I press snooze a hundred times or accidentally fall back to sleep for several more hours. Sometimes I'm awake, but I just can't make my body move out of the bed. Sometimes it's both. Today, for example, I wasn't able to make myself get out of bed until 12:45pm. I'm having trouble making it to my classes on time and my earliest class is at noon!!

The solution to this difficulty getting up seems to be to go to bed earlier, right? But I can't fall asleep!!! Hence, oxymoron. Or moron. Whichever.

::sigh:: I'm a grumpy bear today. ~;o(


Helen said...

Oh, Mariah, I wanted to hug you when I read this! I have been like this my whole life and it is awful. I take medication every night, too, and I hate that I do it - but if I don't, I'll just lie there for hours. Even with meds, it still usually takes me an hour or two to fall asleep.

It sounds like you're already doing the "routine" thing and ensuring you do the same things every night before bed. That's the only thing I can suggest - it sometimes helps a little for me. Most nights I have a hot shower, a small cup of hot milk, and read something non-school-related for 20 minutes or so. Still, if you can't sleep, you can't sleep. For me, the problem is that I can't shut my brain off. As soon as my "calming" routine is finished, my mind goes right back into overdrive.

All I can say is, I totally feel for you. I hope something clicks soon and you're able to get some more rest.

~Mariah~ said...

HELEN: I totally hate the sleep medication too, but you're right - when I don't take it I just lie there. And then I toss and turn and keep APL awake and then he's grumpy too, which is totally not useful.

I think my problem is also shutting my brain off. I've been taking a hot bath, lighting scented candles, and re-reading the Little House books (which I love from when I was little) but as soon as I put the book down....