Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Unsweet Dreams

I haven’t been sleeping well. I know I’ve already explained how sometimes I have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, but that’s not all. For a while now I have also been having a seemingly unending stream of anxiety dreams. Here’s a nerve-wracking sample:

~I dreamt that I had to drive from the house I grew up in to my high school, a drive I have done at least a million times. But in the dream there was something wrong with my eyes and I couldn’t see properly. So I had to do the drive by memory and sound, just hoping I didn’t run into anyone or hurt my sister, who was also in the car.

~I dreamt that my mom had done a huge and expensive remodel of her house, but it looked absolutely horrible. She asked me what I thought about it and I found my tongue totally tied – it was so horrible that I couldn’t lie to her about it, but I was too worried about hurting her feelings to tell her the truth.

~I dreamt that I had a baby but it was sickly and I didn’t know how to take care of it. Then I found out that APL’s parents were coming over and I was panicking because we hadn’t told them about the baby and the baby didn’t even have a name yet.

~I dreamt that I needed to be somewhere – somewhere important – and I knew that whatever it was it was starting without me. But no matter how hard I tried in the dream, I just couldn’t wake up and I couldn’t remember where I was supposed to be.

~I dreamt that I was a teacher, in charge of a class of fifteen five-year-olds who were all totally out of control. But I couldn’t get them under control or do a real lesson because their parents kept coming into the classroom to yell at me about what a bad teacher I was.

~I dreamt that the windshield in our brand new car had been completely shattered. There was glass all over the street and it was snowing and the car wouldn’t start.

Sometimes, I can’t even remember the story from the dream, I just wake up feeling anxious. Maybe one of the drugs I am taking is causing the dreams? I guess I should probably ask the rheumatologist about that.

But maybe it’s just that I’m not doing as good of a job staying calm and finding outlets for my stress as I thought I was. I also find it interesting that these dreams are basically fantasy anxiety dreams – they are all sort of off-the-wall and pretty unrelated to what is actually going on in my life. The things I am really worried about – falling behind in school, impending exams, being able to do the things I want to do in my life, getting depressed about feeling so physically icky all the time – don’t seem to show up directly in my dreams. Maybe I am too anxious about the things I am anxious about to even have anxiety dreams about them?

In any event, I’m not really sure what to do about the anxiety dreams. All I know is that I’m exhausted.

4 comments:

sacbootycall said...

~I dreamt that the windshield in our brand new car had been completely shattered. There was glass all over the street and it was snowing and the car wouldn’t start.
Not a dream. I was there. It was freaking hilariously bad and took months to fix.

sacbootycall said...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7692701.stm
Also...

Z said...

Yeah, but the time this actually happened in reality, ok two times, it was in old and falling apart cars - the truck and the Exploder. In my dream it was our brand new Subaru that we have barely started paying for! So that gives extra anxiety!

Also, thanks for the article. One of the doctors in the article called RA a "cruel" disease, which I thought was a pretty interesting choice of words. But, the good news about having RA now instead of 10 years ago is that there's lots of advancements happening. Who knows, maybe they'll even identify a cure!

~kelly marie~ said...

I hope you start sleeping better soon. I get crazy dreams all of the time too, but I can't blame it on my disease since I've had them since I can remember.

I'll cross my fingers for happy dreams filled with rainbows and puppies for you!