I just nursed my son for the last time ever.
I typed that sentence and then literally stared at it for ten whole minutes before figuring out how to continue writing about this.
It's difficult for me to move forward here, because there's a package of Enbrel in the fridge downstairs waiting for me. I know that as soon as I finish this post I have to go inject myself with it. I need to go inject myself with it. My joints are getting worse. Much worse. Yesterday I stubbed my toes a little and almost passed out in pain. I owe it to my family to be as healthy as I can be. I need the medication so I can keep up with my growing son. It is obviously the right decision.
But it's still hard.
Our last time nursing was wonderful. Since I've been weaning for over a week, I didn't actually have much milk to offer him. He suckled a little, but mostly we just cuddled, skin to skin, for about an hour. I cried but I also laughed at him smiling up at me. I will never forget that hour.
When I first made the difficult decision to wean, I was unimaginably sad for the first few days. I think I probably cried harder during those two days than I ever have in my life. Some of it was hormones from weaning, I know, but most of it felt like grief over the RA taking something away from me that I wanted so very, very badly. But then some kind words from a friend and this post helped me remember exactly how much I have to be grateful for. My RA may be quite bad now, but I was extremely lucky to do well enough off my meds to conceive and carry OZL. I am so, so, so lucky to have my happy, healthy, growing little boy. He is totally amazing and I'd go through anything to have him in my life. And this change of mindset allowed me to actually enjoy and cherish our last few days of breastfeeding.
But it's still hard.
It feels appropriate that we leave for California tomorrow morning. OZL and I fly to Los Angeles to hang out with grandparents while APL continues on to San Francisco to take part in the California Coast Classic. APL will ride his bike 525 miles from San Francisco to Los Angeles to raise awareness for arthritis. He has also raised $4,500 for arthritis research. I'm so extremely proud of him. And it makes me feel better about having to make such a difficult and unwanted decision, because I know there are people out there who are trying to do something about arthritis. To change the future for people like me. And I couldn't be more grateful.
It's still hard. But I can do it. From this point...forward.