Last Wednesday, I found myself sitting it yet another three-hour long exhausting policy seminar for which I hadn't done the reading because I have no interest in the material. I was passing the time by thinking about how I would finish all the requirement's for my master's thesis next semester when I made a very important discovery:
I have completely lost my focus.
Before getting diagnosed with RA, I started this dual degree graduate program - for a law degree and a master's in environmental policy - with a purpose: the issues fascinated me, I had enthusiasm for finding answers to complicated problems, and I had at least a vauge idea of where I wanted to end up when the whole "graduate school" thing was over.
I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.
While I still think environmental issues are important, no particular issue grabs my attention anymore. I couldn't think of a single topic that I'd like to spend six months researching - or even that I could bear to spend six months researching. I still think the world needs to find answers to complicated issues, but I'm not certain if I should be the one finding them. And I have zero idea what kind of job I'd like to end up with when I finally muscle through these degrees. If it pays the bills, I'm not sure I care anymore.
I know this is partly (mostly?) exhaustion talking. I know I'm tired from a long four years of law school, the past two of which I've done while trying to get my RA under control at the same time. I know I'll think more clearly when finals are over and I've had some time to recover. So I'm not making any decisions any time soon.
But, lately, I can't stop myself from thinking. Or crying, actually. And the only reason I can come up with for why I am still "doing this" is because I'm stubborn. Because I already put in most of the work so I might as well finish it, no matter how miserable it makes me. It will be "worth it" somehow. That's what everyone else says too. "You're almost done." "You might as well finish." "You'll feel better soon." "It will be worth it in the end."
But I'm not sure a Masters in Stubborn is that good for my health. Or my sanity.