Saturday, December 10, 2011

Secret Post #13: My Axiety

NOTE: This post is part of a series that I wrote in secret during the months before I announced my pregnancy. The series chronicles my pregnancy journey: from weaning off my RA meds, to trying to conceive, to searching for helpful advice and information, to discovering I was pregnant, to the ups and downs of my first trimester. You can read all the posts in this series here.
 This Post Written August 8, 2011
Today someone very important to me found out that we have been trying to get pregnant, and she was very hurt that we hadn't told her about our plans. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't seem to explain that it was my own anxiety and mistrust of my body - not anything to do with her - that kept us from sharing. I found it really hard to explain what it is like to be actually afraid of what your own body might do - to feel pressure that it won't be able to perform to the point where you are almost embarrassed to admit what you are trying to do for fear it won't even be possible. Somehow I found it impossible to explain how progress checks, however well-meaning, would only exacerbate my anxiety.

When APL and I made the decision not to tell anyone that we were trying to get pregnant, at least for the first few months, we did it with the intent to reduce my stress level and make this difficult process a little bit easier.  We never meant to hurt anyone, and I'm frustrated that we did. 

I'm also frustrated that something that is supposed to be so joyful can become so complicated and difficult. And, not counting the months I spent coming off my meds, we have only been trying for three months!! It could get a lot more complicated and difficult than this - and that makes me anxious to think about.

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